It's not yours for the taking.

I know we don't have serious-meaningful-advice-giving kind of conversations, ever. So yeah, I don't have any high expectations on you to know much about me; what things I'm into, how I want my future to look like, where I want to be in the future, what I want to do. But when we do end up talking about my future, I should have a say in it, it is my future after all. You can't just barge in and throw everything of mine out and forcing your things in.

I don't know how you could think that could work. Maybe it would work if I was 6 years old. Maybe bribe me with ice cream even. Take me rides on the bus all over town. Buy me a Barbie doll when I'm sick. Tell me bedtime stories at night about Winnie the Pooh and how many colours of flowers has Pooh found in the woods. Treating us KFC for dinner on particular occasions. But I'm not. So, it won't work.

I should explain what I'm ranting on about. Just few weeks back, dad and I had a very bold and straight to the point conversation over dinner.

"So what course do you want to take in college? Take Law OK?" - He sounded so hopeful that I would say yes to taking Law. But I can't. My history isn't any good and I just have zero point of interest in doing it. So I answered him, "Mass Com?". I said it with my eyebrows and tone raised a little bit. It was a rhetorical question.

So he asked what's mass com, I wanted to explain to him but he jumped right in even before I opened my mouth. He said "What college do you want to go to?". I said "Taylor?". Another rhetorical question. He replied, "Isn't that college expensive? Why don't you go to Curtin? You could go to Australia on the last year". So I told him, "I don't want to be in Miri", in a whiny way. He replied, "No need to be too far lah" Then Mom, walked into the conversation, "Taylor is close to Sunway". Then dad said, "yeah I know but it's too expensive". Then they dropped the whole conversation.

Then tonight, the conversation started again over dinner. This time with mom, dad's offshore so yeah. "Your dad asked you to choose a better course" said mom all of a sudden. I swear I was appalled. My face literally did the ":O" face. I'm like wtf did you just say? Fuck me, this is not real. No way I heard those words said out loud to me. No fucking way. I guess mom saw my face and reiterated what she said. In reply I said something, but I forgot what I said. Something like "what if I'm not interested in another course". Then mom asked, "the course that you want, don't they have it here?". Don't they have it here. Don't they have it here. I was seething by the time she finished saying that. "I don't want to be in Miri" I whined. "What about in Kuching?" asked mom and I retorted "I don't want Sarawak!". Then she started saying things about my brother's already gone off, now I want to go off too.

What the fuck is up?! Why can't they seem to plant the idea of me not wanting to be stuck in this shit hole forever? After she started that going away thing I just left the table. I can't handle hearing another single word from her.

Why are they so hard to talk to? Especially my dad. Why does he keep trying to force me to take Law or something else? Yeah, back then before the first conversation took part I would be able to understand why. He doesn't know what I want to take. But now he knows, why is he still trying to ask me to take something else? What is so wrong about me wanting to do what I want to do?

I'm sorry, Dad. I'm sorry you didn't get your wish granted. I'm sorry when you said you wanted an Engineer, a Lawyer and a Doctor as a career for your kids, you didn't get it. I'm sorry I didn't live up to your expectations. I'm sorry I can't be any one of those. I'm just sorry.