Better late than never.

I guess that was my closure. That was the closure I needed all this time. All this time you haunted my thoughts as if you owned me as if you belonged there doing nothing but giving me false hope. All this time I let you haunt my thoughts as if you want to be there. I make myself think you want to be in my thoughts, night and day, before I sleep, after I wake up, when I'm having fun, when I'm listening to melodramatic musics.

It's not fair that you could do that to me and it left a big hole in me but it did nothing to you because you don't even know you caused that hole. It's not fair how everything just falls like this. And it's not even falling in the right places. At least in my perspective it's not falling in the right places. Not the places that I want. It's not fair how I feel so much for everything but in the end I don't get anything at all. Anything that I was "feeling so much" for.

It's not fair how I thought of it and it all comes down to timing. Because timing has got nothing to do with this at all. It was never there and when it isn't there you basically got nothing. There was nothing there. It was just false hope. False hope that you planted in your own brain.

But at least. Now that this artificial hope is taken out like a small tiny brain tumor, I can move on. Better late than never is just the right saying. I can finally lock you up in that memory room for good. Leave you there even when you knock so hard. And even when you escape from that room I have justifying facts to shove in your face for the reason I put you in that room in the first place. So I'd rather you not make this hard for me and just stay in there quietly. I don't need you, your smile, your nose, your voice, your anything. And you don't need me. At all. You never needed me so don't even start.

Do you still like him?

No. I miss him occasionally though. Funny how he was tangible just a month ago and now he's just some guy in my head. I barely remember how he sounds like, how exactly he looks like but one thing is I can still remember his smile. And his sharp nose. Basically, everything that I stored in my head and labeled as "Memory" is slowly being passed to the shredders.

At first it was really hard when I stored him freshly in my head. He kept knocking on the memory door forcing me to open it. Constantly knocking and knocking. But as the day passed, the knocking has slowed down. Sometimes I could resist opening the door but there are times I willingly open it. Just so I don't forget him. I mean, he was something real before this.

I can't control what goes up there. I can't control who stays and who goes. If you choose to stay, good; if not then, up there you go. And I'll pray I don't store you so deep that I forget the good things. Like his smile. And his nose. I never want to forget those. But I can't save his voice. I don't know where it is.

And all these. They're precious to me. Any little thing I could keep, I would. Just so I would remember him. Remember that he was real. I'm not going to change the name for some time cause if I do then that means I'm ready to forget. But the thing is, I'm not ready yet. I'm still hoping. I'm still holding onto that twig even though I know it can't support me and I'm about to fall down a cliff. But I'm just gonna hold on. Just hoping.

Don't Give Me Hope by Eman Awad

Wow found a poem that's fitting to my predicament. Given that the grammar is flawed, the meaning surfaced nevertheless.

There are things that better left unsaid, don't even wonder why, it's all over and gone. Close your ears on those thoughts in your head, and say you didn't love me, say i'm not the one. I'm over it, even dreaming of you every day, is not the high light of my days any more. I'm through with it, and i've walked away, i knew i had to before my heart gets soar. Just like swimming in a sea, and knowing that it never had a shore. It's the way you've lived in me, and the way you spread in me with no cure. Do you want the real story or the lie? yes, i'm still in love with you despairdly. But i've learned not to cry, and to get by with this fact endessly. I can't get over it just because you don't want me to, you just want me on the side to beautifully shine. You weren't fair to me like i was to you, you still give me hope though you're not even mine. I've locked you in and i threw the key, don't give me hope and don't say it in my face. Why do i feel like you're coming back to me, why every sweet thing in my life is gone without a trace?

An awkward Hi.

Look, I know I haven't posted anything and I'm not going to feel guilty about it cause I can't be arsed (cba) about anything. A lot of the things that I used to do as an interest like reading, writing, and of course, blogging, feels like a chore to me now. A chore that I don't do.

But this is not what I'm here to talk about. I'm here to talk about life. My life. How I am being treated. I'm not blaming anyone in particular because this is my life, and I am in charge of it, I know.

Okay. Here's the shit. Recently (well not at all that recent but whatever), I have this exaggerated feelings towards this Finnish boy who doesn't give a rats ass about my existence. I mean, yeah, he knows I exist, I know he exists (of course), I say hi to him, he says hi back. It's just that. I'm telling you, I bet he doesn't remember my name. Not even the first letter. And knowing the possibilities of this fact just dampens my soul.

And the thing that I'm just thinking about is the fact that I haven't seen his sharp Finnish nose in a long ass time. I haven't had a good conversation with him, I want to have a conversation with him. And he's going back to Finland after his finals and I'm not going to see him anymore I'm just a depressed little girl right now it hurts look at the lack of punctuation mark omg i just wanna see his face his sharp nose his smile the outline of his profile when he walks he walks so calmly so laid back like there's not a rush in the world he truly defies the time ok stop.

I like this guy. And I can't do anything about it cause it's like he doesn't exist, I don't see him around. For all I know he might just be a figment of my imagination. The conversation we had the teasing we did was all just my wishful thinking. He's like a werewolf ok - they only come out on a full moon. omg he's a werewolf isn't it.

What I mean to say in this post is that, I'm not lucky when it comes to love. Fact, I'm not lucky in a lot of things. I am not fond of falling for anyone, having feelings for anyone, cause I've seen the ending over and over and over again like a broken record player playing the same shit again and again. It's not a good ending. And then people tell me "Don't find love, let love find you", that's the shittiest bullshit I've ever had to stumble upon. I'll believe that shit when someone tells me love happens to have a map, a gps, a compass, google, bing, all on search for me - which it doesn't.

I'm just so over feelings. Having feelings suck. I don't wish to have feelings after this guy goes back to his homeland. I'll just be neutral. I'll be one of those asexual people. Then i'll have one less thing to worry about. So... Fuck you love, fuck you hard.

It's been awhile.

You know what. There won't be any url change. I just thought that because I blog once in a blue moon, better not bother. If I change it, it'd be like me putting hopes on ya'll reader(s) (if there is any) that I'd be posting more frequently, which I won't.

Why am I not posting as often as I should? College life. It's pretty... Tiring. Not hectic, just tiring. Really really tiring. Especially on Thursday; that's when class starts at 8AM. I know, torture. I didn't come here to wake up early ok.

And I'm lazy. I CBA to come here anymore. Yes, I said I CBA to come here. It's the real shiz.

But, if you really really need to be up-to-date about my on-goings, I haz a twittah. (Just click here) or here or http://twitter.com/#!/feliciajulin

So anyway right, I'm going back home to Miri later this night. Cannot wait ok. HI BITCHEZZZZZZZ.

KTHXBAI.